In my last post, I talked about letting go of my fears. I’m still working on that. Shedding something that has been a part of you for your whole life does not happen over night. It takes work and reminders everyday.
I catch myself constantly shrinking back and wanting to go to my safe place. Sometimes I can push through, sometimes I can’t. But I keep working at it. In this work, the other thing I’ve realized is that I have an issue with CONTROL. It makes sense really. If I can control everything, then I have nothing to fear. I think it goes hand in hand. When I feel in control, I have plans A through Z that will allow me to dodge any risks and dangers. I’m prepared. I’m ready. But the drawback is, I’m never relaxed. I’m always on the look out so that I can be ready to launch my “counter attack.”
Can you imagine, how exhausting this is? Believe me, when I say, it is terribly exhausting. Having the need to control is wearing me out physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even chemically. It’s led to anxiety problems and physical pain. While I’m functional and can get through the day, every hour feels like survival.
I’ve had to start taking anti-depressants to help. I’m not ashamed to admit it. My perception that I needed to control everything, is leading me towards deterioration and I’m not ready to go there yet.
So now, I’m not only embracing my fears, but I’m learning to trust and ASK FOR HELP. This may seem stupid or weird to some, but asking for help, is extremely difficult for me. It’s connected to one of my fears — rejection. But I can’t do it alone anymore. Sure, I may still get rejected and seriously that would hurt me, but I’m pretty sure I’ll survive and get over it 🙂
The great thing about asking for help is that divine help is also available. Yesterday, I was having a moment and I let go… I gave my problems over to God. Typically, like everyone else, nothing happens, except that I feel a little better after having prayed about it. But yesterday, I got a message (an email with a phone number), I called back, and that call actually provided me some options to an issue I’ve been dealing with. It was great and I was provided with options I wasn’t aware of before. It was amazing. I felt instantly hopeful.
I asked and I got help. THANK YOU, GOD!!
Again, this is confirmation that I’m on the right path. I’m learning to be more aware and going back to gratitude even in the hardest times. It doesn’t mean, things don’t suck, but changing my perspective, letting go, and allowing miracles to happen is opening up my life. It will for you too 🙂