In my last post about reinvention, I talked about dreams and goals from the past. For me, those dreams quieted down, maybe even went into a hibernation, but they never went away. Recently, I’ve been thinking A LOT about those old dreams and really putting in the time to seriously pursue them.
What’s the dream? I’ve always wanted my own business.
The type of business has changed with each incarnation of the dream, but owning a business has been the same. At this point in my life, I want to see if I can make this happen. I’m getting close to retirement and if I can do things right, this little business can be a supplemental income during retirement.
For a minute, I did great. I felt motivated. I felt energized. I was excited. I picked out a business idea I was interested in. I got the courses to learn about it. It felt great! And now? I’m now at the point where I need to start creating the products so that I can launch a little store. The course instructors emphasized in the very beginning — do not aim for perfection. Do not be afraid to make a mistake. Keep taking steps forward.
Where am I now? At a dead stop.
Fear has me. I know it does. I now recognize my self-sabotaging pattern when I get close to accomplishing something. I stop. And then I make excuses that I got busy. Or I’m just exhausted from my day to day responsibilities. On the surface my excuses make perfect sense and they are true, but underneath it all, the ugly truth is that fear has me stopped.
What’s even more deceiving is that my form of fear doesn’t grip me in a heart palpitating, anxiety ridden state. No, my mind has cultivated my fear in a way that I don’t have a chance to resist. How could I when my fear has disguised itself as comfort? It’s safe. It’s known.
I don’t even know I’m immersed in it, until I take a step back and question myself. Why am I just sitting in bed doing nothing? How is this helping me?
Whyyyyy do I do this to myself? Because… for whatever reason, I’m afraid. Mostly, it’s fear of screwing up. Being admonished for it. And losing and risking a lot. For me, I hate being criticised, but eventually I get over it. But there’s a huge part of me that’s afraid that my mistakes will effect my family. My family means everything to me. If I make a major mistake, it will impact them too and that frightens me most of all.
I understand it’s a mindset thing. I have to change the way I see the future. I have to call on the positive rather than the negative. Mostly…, I think I have to trust in myself and in God that everything will work out. But for someone who’s a planner and likes to have control over everything, this is extremely difficult. (But I’m trying).
Can you relate?
Fear has me physically stopped in my tracks right now. But the dream is continuing to whisper at me. The dream is telling me to try. The dream is encouraging me by showing me what a possible future could look like.
My dream is challenging my fears.
And I am the only one who can decide who wins.
From someone from the outside, the answer is simple and straightforward. To be honest, I know what the answer is. I just need to muster the courage to take the step that frightens me. I also have to remember that this is my journey and I can decide how big of a step to take each time.
When fear has you questioning yourself, what do you do?
I wish you all the very best in the journeys you are taking for yourself. I think that’s why the gurus say that it’s the journey that matters and not the destination because destinations change. But each journey is ripe with lessons. It’s the journey that takes us from a seedling to a plant that is able to push through the hard dirt. It is the journey that allows us to grow and become resilient.
