I find myself in a bit of a flux. From my prior posts, I’m sure you all have ascertained that I’m back to my spiritual seeking. But, things are different this time. Years ago when the urge to find a different truth hit me hard — I studied and I soaked up everything I read. I enjoyed it. I felt elated. I felt like I was truly waking up to a different reality. I knew without a doubt that what I was learning was right for me. That journey felt good.
Then life happened and I “fell back asleep.” In this sleep, I acquired more life experience and unfortunately more bad habits. I picked up more judgments and opinions. I’ve gotten older, but I don’t think I got wiser. LOL! I got more stubborn. I got stronger, but I also learned to use my anger. I admit freely that the shadow side of my being came out with force. But it was for a purpose. That shadow aspect or those parts of us that we consider negative are there to help us survive. In some cases if it hadn’t been for my stubbornness and the energy that my anger gave me, I wouldn’t have been able to move.
In this current journey of mine, the paths I’m getting lead to are not the same ones that gave me joy and so many a-ha moments like in the past. I’m a different person now. I think that because my shadow side did come out, I have more walls and defenses. The walls I built during my sleep are tough and well fortified. In this path, I’m being led to things that push me to question myself and challenge myself. It feels like a rougher road and a slower one. But it also feels like this is what I need to break down the walls.
The other night, I claimed to the Universe that I was ready for change. I claimed that I was ready for the next part of my life.
And then, right after, I said “Uh-oh. What if I can’t handle it?”
I told myself to shut-up and to TRUST. LOL!
But in looking ahead, I have to take a deep breath as the flux I feel makes me stop. Do I step forward and make good on my claim? Or do I continue to stand still and give in the to the fear?
In this current state, I don’t feel like the path ahead of me is clear. It makes me hesitate. It makes me question so much. But, I have to remember the journey is about TRUST and giving over our worries and concerns to the Universe. The steps may be wobbly and unsure, but the important thing to remember is too keep stepping forward. Wish me luck!
Take a deep breath and follow the light.
Photo by Diego Santos on Unsplash
